This past Saturday I thought I was going to have a couple of nice spa treatments. One that was more of a health treatment while the other was to be relaxing. Ha! I thought wrong. These spa treatments were the worst $60 I have ever spent. Instead of money well spent this was $60 down the crapper. Literally!!!
The treatments I had scheduled were a colonic hydrotherapy treatment followed by a detox body wrap. A friend of mine started touting the wonders of colonics years ago. My initially reaction was no thanks. I should have followed my gut instinct. In the last few years colonics have become much more common. I've seen reality show stars get them during an episode. Other friends of mine have started getting them too. One friend, not the one who first told me about them, recently sent out an email giving praise to colonic hydrotherapy.
Months ago, prior to my friends email, I had purchased one of those email deals to get both the colonic and body wrap for only $60. I went against my initial gut feeling and clicked purchase. I had heard good things and figured maybe I'd experience some of the benefits others had. I also figured it would be a new experience that might be joyful enough to write about here. After getting the email from my friend I went ahead and booked my appointment. Little did I know this spa day would amount to one big cow pie!
I immediately felt ill at ease in the waiting room. The staff in the medi spa waiting room had European or Russian sounding accents. The accents in themselves were not the problem. What made me feel uneasy was the absence of the little niceties that are typically a part of Americans' speech. The staff was much more blunt than I'm accustomed to, saying things like "Sit down and fill this out!" as opposed to "Please have a seat and complete the new customer form" The receptionist called someone who had missed her appointment and she was very stern telling her that she'd missed her appointment and could not miss the next one. They were also speaking kind of loud compared to the hushed tones I'm accustomed to at a spa. Instead of feeling relaxed, I felt like I could have gotten yelled at at any moment.
When I did get called back for my appointment, my colonic hydrotherapyst did not have an accent and was much more gentile in her demeanor. I relaxed as she explained the procedure. Part of a tube would be put in my
you know where then water would be flushed in and excrement would be washed out.
What kind of mess have I gotten myself into. No turning back know. The shit is about to hit the fan. I thought to myself.
We started the procedure. It was rather uncomfortable and I asked the therapist if the tube was in right. She assured me it was and we continued with the procedure. I filled the awkward silence with silly chit chat about TV shows and such. Water went in and water came out. Water went in and water came out. Water went in and water came out. That's right only water. Just water! It turns out my colon was already pretty clean.
I'm not full of it after all, I thought.
The therapist messaged my belly like she was kneading some bread in an effort to get things going. She'd warned I might experience some cramping. Boy did I. I started to feel like I had a stomach virus complete with cramping and slight nausea What kind of poop head purposely gives herself the symptoms of a stomach virus. I must have been flushed 10 times. During the 10th, last, and final flush, finally some poo was starting to move.
Ahhhh the tube was not in right after all!!!!!!!! I will spare you the details. Let's just say this experience has confirmed that certain orifices are meant to be exit only.
I bet you think that was the worst of it? Nope. After the unsuccessful colonic hydrotherapy was over I was to use the restroom to finish. It felt like I was never going to finish.
When is this mess going to be over!! I thought. I was probably in there 40 minutes or more. Guess how many people came to check on me. None! I came out to find a note directing me where to go to wait for my body wrap.
The body wrap was actually the worse part. Normally spas have tables and tubs that are ergonomically designed to curve with your back. Not this one! It was completely flat. If you are built anything like me you have some extra cushion in the back. This means when you lay down flat on your back there is a space between the small of your back and the surface of the table. This creates pain when you extend your legs straight as you have to do when you have a body wrap. This was the most painful spa procedure ever. I would have told the lady to cut it short but guess what, she left!
This is a load chimp chunks, what kind of dump is this that constantly leaves the clients alone to fend for themselves, where my thoughts.
Oh, I saved the best part for last. I think this may have to do with some of those cultural differences I mentioned in the beginning. When the lady escorted me into the room for the body wrap she explained that I was to take off my robe and lay on the table. Then she stood there. I stood there. We looked at each other as I waited for her to leave the room until I was comfortably on the table like they do at most spas. Then she says, "Oh, I know you are naked. It is ok. I have seen everything! Take your robe off".
Oh pooh! What a mess my spa treatments turned out to be!!!
On the bright side, I'm just as happy to share my misadventures with you all as I am my success stories. Every new experience won't be a good one. But it is good to try new things because you will never know what can give you Joy unless you give things a try. Besides it gave me a great excuse to write a post with the challenge of using as many synonyms for doo doo as possible and not fudge it all up. Do you think that would make a good writing prompt? LOL
Have you had a better experience with colonic hydrotherapy than I did? Have you ever had a when spa treatments go wrong experience? Bonus question, how many synonyms did you count?
